A Night With Derek Jeter

Admittedly I'm a a bit behind on my reading. SIs and ESPNs are piling up around me, as I seem to be reaching for a book more often the last few months.

So it was that I found myself, a few evenings ago, perusing the SI with Grady Sizemore on the cover that's about six weeks old as I watched another Mets debacle out of the corner of my eye. A commercial break - a welcome respite lately - and there's Derek Jeter selling me a car. So, I return to my reading and, what's this! Derek Jeter selling me...something else. Here he is, open and smiling, a happy guy in a comfortable shirt, taking care of his skin:

And then, just a few pages later, the brooding, day-of-growth, faintly menacing Jeter selling me a watch:

Okay, so now I'm getting a little annoyed. The Mets are cruising to another loss, and I can't...get...away...from...Jeter. And, then, this:

Incredibly, in the span of mere minutes, Jetes has pitched me a car, a line of personal care products, a watch and shoes. All told, if I were to go out tomorrow and buy everything he wants me to buy, I would come home about $31,500 poorer. Which, for Jeter himself might be the equivalent of going to the mall and buying a pair of pants.

I find the whole idea of Jeter as a pitchman amusing, though. This guy has scrubbed himself free of anything even faintly resembling humanity. He never does anything interesting, he never says anything interesting. Like his infield-mate Alex Rodriguez, his expressions on the field are overdone, an exaggeration of what he imagines we must think he's feeling in whatever moment he's in.

I can understand his appeal to an eight year old: he's a great ballplayer, he hustles, he does everything right between the lines. But, as a shill for adults, I think he's lacking. Not that any athlete is persuading many of us to buy a particular product, other than sunflower seeds or chewing tobacco maybe, but at least I'd like to see a rough edge every once in a while, a fleeting glimmer of imperfection, the occasional amusing anecdote, something that makes me consider buying the product he's pushing even a little bit.

In any case, it's getting ridiculous now: you can't do anything without being besieged by Derek Jeter to buy something. I see his face and I don't think about the Yankees, I don't think about the Stadium, I don't think about rings, or winning, or anything having to do with baseball: I think about my wallet.

Hey, look, I've got nothing against Derek Jeter, but Heavens to Murgatroyd, man, I don't need to spend a Tuesday night with him. Geeez.